When Parents Are As Bad As The Kids

As a parent of children with autism, I've gotten my share of "the look" from other people.  You know the look...when your child is having a complete meltdown in the middle of a store, and you can almost hear the others around you thinking, "What that kid needs is a good spanking!"  I've also had my share of watching my sons struggle to interact with other children, and I've seen how mean other kids can be.  It's an unfortunate and heart wrenching part of being a special needs parent.  However, it had never been my experience to have a parent laugh at my child, right along with their kids.  I had hoped I would never find myself in a situation like that.  Unfortunately, this weekend, I found myself right in the middle of a situation just like that.  I was stunned and in complete disbelief.  If parents are going to go along with their kids in making fun of others, what chance do kids have to learn about tolerance? 

We were at a fast food restaurant, after a fun morning of participating in the Home Depot kids' workshop.  We chose the place because it had a playground, and we thought the kids would like to get some energy out after eating.  A family came in around the same time we did, and their four kids went to play on the playground along with ours.  At first I wasn't paying much attention.  Jodie and I had come with a friend and her son, and we were busy talking to her, though we were keeping an eye on things.  After awhile I noticed the mom of the family kind of giving me dirty looks, so I started watching Mason.  He was talking to the other kids, saying, "If you want to come play on the playground I'll put the code in so you can get in...you need a special code, so just let me know!"  They just stared at him.  He then was talking to himself, quoting Willy Wonka, but not saying anything to the kids.  The mom shook her head and said, "Terrible.  Some people have no idea how to control their kids."  I was kind of shocked.  I mean, if Mason was throwing a tantrum or was hitting their kids or something, then that comment would make sense.  But he was just talking to himself.  To me, the comment seemed out of place.  Mason kept chattering away, and the older of the two girls made signs to her dad and brother that he was "crazy."  The dad laughed, and the older boy said, "I'm going to go kick that kid's butt."  The dad said, "Nah...not worth it."  The mom muttered a few more things about "his parents."  Mason tried a couple more times to talk to the kids, and the mom turned and looked right at me.  I felt the urge to say something to her, but I was frozen.  I was angry that the mom was being so hostile, especially when I knew what Mason was saying.  Nothing inappropriate...he wasn't cursing or hitting anyone or acting out in any way.  Honestly, I can understand kids acting as they do.  It may hurt to see kids acting that way towards my child, but kids can be mean, and Mason's behavior definitely can seem odd to an outsider.  I get that.  What really had me feeling so angry and upset was the parents laughing at him along with the kids, and the mom talking about our parenting skills...in a carrying whisper that we obviously could hear.  She has no idea about our situation at all.  Plus, we weren't just letting him get in the kids' faces.  Jodie went over there a few times to make sure Mason realized to give them space.  Except for a few brief moments, Mason wasn't even by the kids...he was just talking to himself, or to Connor.  Suddenly the youngest boy came running up to his parents and said, "That kid is terrible!  He's crazy!"  The mom said, "We'd better leave!" and motioned for the girls to come with her.  As they approached the table the mom said, "What did he do to you?"  The younger girl shrugged and said, "He kept talking and talking to us and we're like, dude, we're trying to eat."  So they all walked out the door.  As they walked right past us, I wanted to say something.  I don't know what.  Maybe, "He has autism."  Would that help?  Who knows.  But I was frozen in my seat.  I just didn't get the mom's hostility, and watching other kids call my child "crazy"...AND their parents agreeing with them and laughing along with them was too much.  Suddenly, right as they passed us, my friend said, "It's really not nice to make fun of people you know nothing about."  They glanced at her...and kept on going.  I had expected them to come back...maybe say something...but they just kept going. 

I admit, it kind of ruined the rest of my day.  It really brought to home why the world can be so hard to kids with autism, Asperger's...or any kind of disability or difference.  Jodie kept telling me to let it go...and I tried...but I was so emotional about it.  I was shaking, I was so upset.  It made me feel angry...it made me feel despair...it made me so sad.  Mason didn't even notice, which I was thankful for.  To him, his playtime was just great.  But someday he WILL notice.  As he gets older it will get harder.  I'm not trying to be negative, I just know that the teenage years are looming ahead, and I've been told those are extremely hard years for kids with Asperger's.  Heck, they're hard years for any kid.  For some reason, this incident really struck all that home for me.  As I type this, the emotions are coming back to me.

Parents, I realize you can't control your kids' behavior at all times.  I certainly can't.  Even the best of kids are going to have their mean moments.  But please, please don't laugh along with your kids when they are making fun of someone else.  Please realize that there are many kids out there who have disabilities of all kinds.  Just because you can't visibly see it doesn't mean it's not there.  How are our kids supposed to learn to grow up and have tolerance for others if we don't teach them that making fun of others isn't OK?  None of us are perfect, and I'd be lying if I said I had never made fun of anyone in my life.  We're all human.  But it IS our job to teach our kids to be decent human beings.  Also, even when our kids are acting out, we are trying our best.  We are working so hard as parents to teach our kids how to function in social situations.  Judging another parent isn't helpful to anyone.  If there's one thing I've learned, it's that.  You never know what others are dealing with.  It's so disheartening to get those glares and those whispers...especially when your child is actually having a good day.

Thankfully I know firsthand that there are lots of parents who are out there teaching their kids how to treat others.  I have had more positive interactions then negative interactions with other parents.  It helps me to realize that when we run into people who are not so nice.  




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